There really is no rational, irrefutable reason to believe in God. The evidence continues to point to a cold, uncaring universe. Prayers continue to go unanswered. Bad stuff continues to happen to good people. Children continue to suffer. The universe seems to operate on laws that hardly demonstrate a loving, higher power. The old arguments from design - it's so complex and intricate that there had to be a creative thought behind it - only put the question back one step and don't really satisfy. (Even children, unaware of their audacity, think deep enough to ask "If God created the universe, who created God?") Science continues, step by step, to answer the whys and hows of nature. One by one the old paradigms of religious belief that uphold the anthrocentric arrogance that we are something unique, special, fundamentally different, crumble under the weight of the evidence. We are not the center of the universe. We are not the result of a special creation. We are different from the other animals only in degree, not in any fundamental way. The same four molecules that organize our genetic structure also organize the virus, bacteria and worm. Animals demonstrate love, compassion, sacrifice, language, thought, grief. Humans are capable of unspeakable cruelty. No, the evidence is very thin indeed that there is a loving power that pervades the universe, that we are anything but life evolved to consciousness.

    Yet, I am not ready to embrace atheism. Not quite yet, not totally. I have no problem with those that do. It may be that I am not strong or brave enough to deal with what atheism implies about death, and the meaning of my life. It may be that I am simply unable at this point to completely abandon old ideas, old comfortable beliefs. It could be, however, that I am just enough of a poet, just enough of a romantic, that I cling to a world view that allows for a deeper mystery, a deeper meaning. Was that mystical experience of oneness, when there were no boundaries, when the plants and trees shone with an inner brightness, and the air I breathed seemed to be permeated with love itself, really simply the result of a quirk in my brain chemistry at that time? Is the feeling of hope and love I experience as I look into my boy's eyes when they light up with a new awareness or the pure joy of uninhibited wonder simply a by-product of evolutionary selection to promote the survival of a particular genetic sequence? When I contemplate a sunset and think about what tomorrow may bring, or feel awe struck by the natural beauty of this amazing planet, are my feelings just simply so much matter in motion? It is possible. It may be. But I resist. Something just doesn't sit right. I know it is not rational. I know how misleading intuition and feeling may be. But it seems that for now, I am stuck with this confusion, and must find a way to live with this unanswered question.

    Fortunately for me, it is really not all that hard. In fact, quoting another wise imbecile in a Hollywood movie, "It just doesn't matter!" Not because I am apathetic or that I am not curious, but simply out of a recognition of reality. Humans are in a transitional period in the evolution of their intellectual/philosophical understanding. We are smart enough to recognize the fallacies in the old religious dogmas, but not smart enough to get a real grasp on the ultimate nature of reality. What understanding God of love would hold our questions and doubts against us? What God of compassion would resent our disbelief enough to consign us to eternal suffering? What God of knowledge and science would not expect us to use our brain and ask hard questions? What God of growth and evolution would expect us to cling to concepts born in ancient millennia? If it turns out that there is indeed a God, an afterlife, a soul, a spiritual realm where we live in eternal bliss and satisfaction, then it's amazing. Life would indeed be an amazing, wonderful miracle, and we should fear nothing on this Earth.

    And if not? It's still a miracle. It's still an unbelievable, jaw-dropping miracle. The simple fact of anything existing - light, darkness, matter, energy, universal constants, cosmic scale chaos - anything at all, is so mind boggling that it should fill us with wonder every moment of our lives. We all grow up in "it", and accept "it" as a matter of course, but really, why should there BE anything at all? How can we comprehend the very fact of timespacematterenergy? Even a simple rock, plain and unexceptional, is a mystery. I mean, think of what is going on inside of that rock. Think of the complexity, the forces, the paradoxes held within. It has mass, color, specific physical characteristics, yet is mostly empty space, an arrangement of energy. Ponder that the elements within were born in the furnaces of the nuclear fusion within the stars. If it is a reflective stone like granite, look at how certain points sparkle as they reflect the sunlight. And ask yourself "Why should even this humble stone exist?" But, we're talking a WHOLE COSMOS, FULL OF GALAXIES!! Unbelievable.

    And the fact that some of the matter in the universe, some of the "star stuff", through completely natural mechanisms, came to be able to replicate itself, became ever more complex and intricate, until the time it was able to attain a conscious awareness of it's own self - well, there is NOTHING that has come out of Hollywood that comes even close! If we were to truly grasp the mystery of our own existence, truly recognize how special and unique every human being is, truly love the miracle of life grown to self awareness, every morning would be a celebration, and every moment filled with awe and wonder. God or no God.

    So, I'm stuck with a major dilemma, and it really doesn't matter to me. I don't need to have doctrines or sacred scriptures. I don't need to have all the answers spelled out by gurus or messiahs. Life is a riddle. Life is good. Love is all we need. We should take care of each other, and take care of the planet. Follow the golden rule, and try our best. As far as I'm concerned, all the religion one needs can be found in the child's book "Old Turtle", if one needs religion at all. Anything more than that is a counterproductive delusion at best, a dangerous trap at worst.