I imagine that most of you who have read my story are formulating conclusions as to my "failings" as a member. When I was in the group, this was a routine process when confronted with the "defection" of a member. "This person had a "Cain/Abel problem and couldn't unit with his central figure". "He had a shallow understanding of the Principle". "She was a weak member, prone to spiritual problems". "He didn't know God and True Parents heart". With me, you may be thinking I had a "Chapter 2 problem" - that I was invaded by Satan because of "unprincipled" feelings for a sister. I've asked myself many times if these weaknesses, or others, were responsible for my disillusionment with the group. I believe, in all humility, that these accusations can not be made against me. I was held up as a model member - always there, on the "front line", accomplishing my mission, never any serious "spiritual problems". I believe that I did know the DP, at least as well as could be expected under the circumstances. I believe my heart was pure and my feelings sincere regarding the sister I worked with. As far as uniting with "God and True Parents" heart, the only reason I joined was to comfort that heart. My point here is not to lift myself up. It's only to demonstrate that it isn't right to immediately dismiss all ex-members as having some internal weakness. Is it probable that all the thousands of good, sacrificial, loving, righteous people who once called Moon "Father" and no longer do all had such character flaws? That they all "couldn't handle the lifestyle" or "failed to persevere"? Isn't it possible that something else is going on?

    I hope you will consider the possibility that there is another way to see things, to truly open yourself to the possibility that the truth, goodness and love you believe you have found in the group is more in your mind than in reality. ( I would never say there is no truth, goodness or love in the group - only that it is not measuring up to it's promises, is not what it claims, and that there is also a lot of falsehood and hypocrisy which don't need to be accepted.) I hope you will agree that our deepest faith and convictions don't need to be sheltered from other points of view, and to regard with suspicion any faith which requires ignorance to be maintained. If what the UC is offering is truly good, it certainly will stand up to scrutiny.

    You may be saying to yourself now - "I must not make a condition for Satan to invade - this is a test of my faith. If I listen to the enemy, I've failed God and True Parent's , repeating the failures of history, letting down my ancestors", and so forth. And now you may be thinking "How clever is this Satan, to anticipate my thoughts, know my weaknesses - so like Satan, to twist logic and reason" - and so forth, again. If these thoughts are not going through your mind, please forgive me. They were common sentiments expressed by members when I was in the group. If these thoughts are going through your mind, I hope you can step back for a moment and see how restricted a persons thinking can become. If you ask yourself "Am I truly free to think about my involvement from all angles, am I truly free to consider the possibility of life outside the group?" and you experience some vague uneasiness inside, maybe it is time to consider another perspective.

    When I began to have questions, when I began to acknowledge my doubts, and started examining my commitment to the group, I struggled greatly with all the different aspects of my life of faith - all the beliefs and practices I had embraced so strongly for so long. I was not the kind who could simply walk away, and say "Oh well, enough of that". I had to have good reasons, I needed resolution and understanding. I had to know in my mind and heart that I was doing the right thing. I knew I couldn't leave this decision to anyone else. I want to go through life with my head held high, able to defend my decisions with straight thinking and a sincere heart. What follows are the distillation of twenty years of reflection, or -

2. Moon has not brought a higher love. The love I saw demonstrated in the group was the most conditional love imaginable.

3. Moon has not solved the problem of sin, original or otherwise. There is nothing in the lives of the individuals or families of the members that demonstrates anything different than the common condition.

4. Moon has not "shown us the way", either as individuals, or as a society, to live a satisfying, healthy life and build an ideal world.

5. I came to the conclusion the organization was not trustworthy.

6. The goals of the movement were fundamentally at odds with the traditions of pluralistic, constitutional democracy , the best system known.

7. The group used unethical methods of psychological coercion and mind control to gain and keep members.

8. I was committed to an illusion, lofty goals and ideals in my mind, that were not in reality connected to the group, and to maintain that illusion , I engaged one rationalization and justification after another.

   All of this necessarily lead me to conclude that SMM was not the messiah, the UC did not have the answers to save the world, and the whole thing was not what I believed it was. Considering what it what demanding from me, leaving was the only reasonable choice.